10 Parenting Tips for Surviving a Divorce   by Dr. Noel Swanson.

While divorce is a sign of freedom for couples in a bad relationship, it leaves scars on the minds of both partners. Divorce is not a new phenomenon, as many would have us believe. People have been getting into marriage and walking out of it from times immemorial.

Whichever way you look at it, divorce means something went wrong. Two people who, for all the right or wrong reasons, had pledged themselves to stick together to provide a secure family base for their children, are now splitting up. It didn't work out the way it was supposed to.

Divorce is always sad. That is why even the law gives time for the couple to think it over.

But, if it has happened or is going to happen, it is best to look ahead and not dwell on the past and dig old wounds. It will only make life more difficult, whereas you need all the positive energy to move on in life and make the best of a bad situation.

The accent should be on damage control if, for whatever reason, divorce has happened, or is going to happen.

So, for the sake of the children, here are some tips on how to minimize the impact on the kids:

1. Don't get divorced! The best situation for children is to live with both parents in a loving and caring home, preferably with loving and caring relatives nearby.

So, despite the fact that you may have tried hard yourself, I would advise you to try once more to rekindle the love you once had. It's a good idea to seek help at this juncture before it is too late. For this, it is important to be honest with yourself and your counselor.

Note, this does NOT mean you should put up with an abusive relationship just to "stay together for the children". Ongoing violence, drug abuse, acrimony, etc are NOT good for children. If you really need to get out, then get out.

2. Once you have taken the decision to go in for a divorce, go about it in grown-up manner and as far as possible try to separate amicably. Discuss it and agree that under the circumstances it is best to separate. Avoid lengthy court battles and custody disputes; they will drain you out emotionally and financially. Hurt feelings will become impediments in your efforts to move on with life. You can't begin to imagine what impact it can have on the children.

3. Even if the other person has hurt you badly, he is still the parent of your child. And no child likes to hear bad things about their parents. Be honest with your children and answer their questions as dispassionately as you can, even though it may not be easy at times. Also, you need to reassure them that you are not going to leave too. Most children feel abandoned.

4. The secret of all relationships is honesty. While you should not say nasty things about the other parent, there is no need to defend them either. If he has promised to come and doesn't turn up, don't make excuses for him. You don't know what is going on in the child's mind. Very often children start blaming themselves for all that is going wrong. Make it quite clear that it isn't their fault that you separated or that the other parent is so unreliable.

5. Another very important aspect is to encourage your children to keep in touch with the other parent for as long as it is a positive experience for them. Encourage visits, phone calls and letters. Let your child get the love and attention of both parents despite your feelings.

6. However, be very careful that you don't start using your child as a messenger. Find other means to communicate to each other.

7. In case the other parent is really harmful or abusive, protect your child by all means, but make sure your opinion is not based on your prejudices.

8. As a rule, joint custody, in which the child spends three days a week in one home and 4 days in the other doesn't seem to work. Children need a place they can call home. Be objective and think of your child's interest. If the other parent really is emotionally and financially stronger, and can take better care of the kids - then don't let your ego stop you from permitting it. It may hurt you very bad, but you are an adult and should be able to handle it. Give preference to what is good your child. At the same time, don't interfere with the parenting style of the other parent. You do your best in your house and leave them to look after the parenting in their house.

9. You may want to move on with your life and make friends. Just be sensitive about bringing your new friends home. Your children are not going to like them because they kill all hopes of their parents ever getting together again.

10. Finally, take control of your life. Don't dwell on old wounds. Think positive and live in the present. Try to make the future happy. You will come out stronger from the experience and you will give your children hope about human relationships, or they might fall into similar situations when they grow up.

Don't assume that your children will suffer from your divorce. If you can keep your hurt feelings aside you will sail through this bad situation calmly and in a mature manner. And, be reasonable about allowing the other parent's role in your child's life.

All you have to do is be a good parent to the best of your ability.

About the Author

Dr. Noel Swanson has a free newsletter on children's behavior problems and is a valued contributor to Yes Parenting website.Click here to get your own unique version of this article.

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