A Step-Dad's Nightmare, "You're Not My Dad!" - Now What?   by Dr. Noel Swanson

Q. "Five years ago my son's father left us. I am now remarried to a great guy named David. He has tried his best to be friends with Nathan, and I take care of the discipline. We've been married for three years and Nathan won't do anything his step-father asks of him. How can I change this?"

A. Children often feel at fault when their parents divorce, even though the problems are with the adults. Nathan most likely sees the situation as his dad leaving him, rather than you. If his dad doesn't visit, or is sporadic about it, this will only reinforce Nathan's belief. He feels abandoned, guilty and also angry. His biggest fear is probably that you will leave him too.

This being the case, the fact that you have now brought in another man presents a couple of problems. First, it dashes hopes that one day Mum and Dad might get back together again. Secondly, it means that someone else is stealing all that attention that Nathan had been getting from you when you were single. No wonder his nose feels out of joint!

Perhaps Nathan got on really well with David before you married. At that stage, he was just Mum's boyfriend. Then, he was fun to have around, and never tried to act bossy. Now he is living in the house like he owns it.

Communication is the key in this situation. When David became a parent instead of just a visitor that was a lot for Nathan to absorb. You need to be open and honest with him about everything. Schedule talk time for everyone. You and Nathan should talk, then Nathan and David, and finally all three of you. If you have other children, include them as well.

Acknowledge Nathan's confusion, anger and resentment. Make it clear, also, that David is not taking Dad's place, and never will. It is all right for Nathan to love and miss his father - even if you don't! Try to remain matter-of-fact about the separation, and keep the children out of any ongoing battles that you are having with your ex.

Make it clear, also, that David is here because you love him and want him in the family. This does not mean that you love Nathan any less. Also, for Nathan to like David does not mean that he is being disloyal to Dad.

Finally, make it quite clear that you have given full authority to David to have parental authority in the home. What David says is what goes. Do not allow Nathan to come to you to try to undermine decisions that David has made. Even if you disagree with what David has said you will need to back him up in public. Then when you are alone with him, you can sort out your disagreement. Nathan must see and hear that you are both completely united, and that you will back up David one hundred percent.

About the Author

Dr. Noel Swanson writes frequently for Yes Parenting website and also has a free newsletter on children's behavior problems.Click here for other unique parenting articles.

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