"Split Personalities" Can Be an Asset During Divorce   by Susan McKenna

The expression "having split personalities" has always been associated with a mental condition treated with medication and psychotherapy. Not good. However, during and after divorce, having split (two different) personalities can actually be a good thing -- even an essential asset, in fact -- for the divorcing parents of young children.

One of those "split personalities" has to be all about you, the adult. Divorce is an emotional time, during which you have to rebuild your life by going through steps similar to the grieving process. During this stage, an adult needs to focus on nurturing his/her own emotions, dealing with them, and getting to know him/herself again as an individual; in other words, "licking one's wounds" after the trauma of divorce.

By nature, this is your "selfish time," including time possibly spent rebuilding a shattered self esteem and revamping a lifestyle. It is something most divorcing adults have to do in order to get past the divorce and move on with life. Being that first personality can mean becoming, or getting reacquainted with, the "wild child" in you. It can mean rediscovering nightlife, or life in general, and can be dominant when the second personality (the responsible parent) is not needed.

When engaged in personality number one, you can spend the whole day curled up in a ball feeling sorry for yourself, or spend the day on the phone with friends discussing the juicy details, if that gets you through it. This is the personality you let out only when the kids aren't around, however; because, when they are home, you must morph into personality number two.

The Most Important Facet of Divorce for Young Children

This personality is essential (and often neglected or overlooked) and recognizes the most important facet of divorce when small children are involved. It's really all about them (your children) and their needs, period, no matter how personality number one is feeling or behaving. When the kids are around, your second personality must assume control.

For those who are currently caught in the web of divorce, too much of the first personality can be damaging...to your children that is. Thus, it is essential that the second personality come into play early and often. This is so your home life can be as "normal" as possible, since stability is often lacking most in marital breakups.

Remember, it is the uncertainty caused by divorce and the resulting feelings that turn your children's lives into a source of anxiety. If not dealt with early, that anxiety later magically morphs into what we call "baggage." And, when it does turn into "baggage," it becomes a lifelong struggle for your grown children, which they will either carry around or unload on someone else.

Children need a mother and father -- even if they no longer live together -- not a born-again "college student" to run the household. Regardless of whether you are the mother or father, your second personality has to be one that is not self-serving, the very opposite of the first personality. When in your second personality, you need to put yourself and your needs second to those of your children. It is not about your needing companionship and reclaiming your self-worth with the opposite sex. It is, however, about doing things such as pretending you are happy, even when your insides feel like they are being ripped out.

It is also about finding kind words when speaking with an unreasonable ex in front of your children, even when you'd rather be sharing very different words and emotions. It is also about not letting your children witness such negative engagements if they do occur, or getting your children involved and feeling like they need to choose sides.

The first personality can be nurtured when your children are sleeping, or on visitation days with your ex. When your children are at home and awake, then it is inappropriate to put your needs first. Stability and love are all important during divorce, and spending time with your children becomes the medicine for hurting hearts.

Rebuilding Relationships and Routines With Your Young Children

Helping your children heal and begin to cope is about re-establishing special family times and routines in your household. In fact, many times in divorces, relationships with your children can actually be strengthened and become closer as a result of the extra time and attention your children now receive.

When you were married you had two adults in one home. That's the good news. The bad news is that your entire day may have been spent pointing the finger at whose turn it was to parent or do the work that so often consumes our day. During divorce, however, your time with your children can become even more precious and special. For example, many children have said they actually spend more time with their dad after divorce than when he lived at home. And this can be a good thing, resulting in a stronger bond.

For mothers, on the other hand, divorce can motivate (or force) them to become more organized and make better use of their time. It also gives them real "free time" each week, to either catch up without the kids in their hair, or to totally blow off the time with something as simple as sipping a latte at a coffee shop.

As one mother put it: "I used to get in my car and just drive -- just because I could, all by myself -- and not be paying a babysitter."

Mothers can now find the time to recharge their batteries by reading and exercising and spending time with friends...but only when the kids are in the care of someone else.

More information on Susan McKenna's picture book for children can be found at http://wayfarerbooks.com/index.html, or at online retailers, such as Amazon.com, http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/097899650X/105-7660776-6074851.

About the Author

Susan McKenna has had an extensive career as a pediatric nurse at one of the largest pediatric hospitals in the United States.

After her own divorce, Susan created a series of successful classes for single parents in conjunction with a unique divorce recovery program for children. She has also facilitated numerous support groups for single parents, helping them problem-solve and become better parents through divorce.

Home Page > Directory-Home > HEALTH ISSUES > split personalities