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Maternally Yours by Lexi
A majority of women claim to feel sheer happiness the first time they hear the words, "you're pregnant." I, on the other hand was filled with anxiety and fear. It wasn't that I didn't want a baby; it was just that I was twenty, single, and felt totally unprepared.
During my pregnancy, I read multiple books on what to expect during the pregnancy and how to deal with things after your child is born. I overloaded myself with too much information, thinking that I had to know every little detail. I believed if I studied hard enough, I would learn how to be a perfect mother.
When I decided to make a list of all the pointers from the books, I realized some of the books I read began to contradict one another. I didn't know whose advice to follow at that point. How was I suppose to know who was giving the correct advice? The only fact I knew to be true was that I felt too young to understand motherhood.
There was one factor all these books had in common, and that was that they all mentioned maternal instinct. At the time, I had no idea what that meant, but I was sure it was something I didn't possess. I would pay close attention to women that already had children, craving to see if I could learn how to be instinctive or maternal.
The months pressed on and my due date came closer. My home was secured with baby-proofing, the baby's room was complete, and I was very determined to succeed as a mother. I had everything I needed to welcome home my precious newborn. Despite all of that, I still had an unbelievable amount of nervousness. I didn't think I knew how to be a nurturing mother, let alone a single nurturing mother.
Part of me already thought I had failed in motherhood because I had failed in keeping the relationship with the father. Even though, he decided to not take part in our child's life, I held myself completely responsible for his actions. It didn't matter that he made that choice; it only mattered that it wasn't the right choice.
If somebody told me that things could change over night, I never would have trusted the words leaving their mouth. After all, I had prepared for my child's arrival for months, and I still wasn't ready. But the day my child was born, nine months of stress and failure seemed to disappear. The second I held her in my arms, I knew what maternal instinct was all about. A light switch inside me turned on and my reactions seemed to meet her match her needs.
Whenever the unknown becomes a new experience it's easy to find yourself stressing about the things yet to happen. Within the first moments of my baby's life, I knew it no longer mattered that I was playing both sides, the mom and the dad. I found myself adapting naturally to the change, and I was able to accomodate my child's wants without too much thought. I had a beautiful baby girl that didn't have any expectations as to what a good mother should be.
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maternally yours
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