Sign of a cheating mate...   by Stella Larue

Sign of a cheating mate...

Is my partner having an affair?

There you are, all street-smart and savvy. You're always alert and on guard for danger while out, for safety's sake. Where do you let your guard down? At home.

Most people with a significant other claim that their mate would never cheat on them. But the sad truth is that infidelity DOES occur, only too often, by both men and women. So you need to stay alert and street-wise in your emotional world, too.

We hope that you have nothing to worry about. But, if you have some doubts, just a gut feeling that things don't "feel right", then it's time to stop and take stock of the situation. Don't bury your head in the sand. Look for these cardinal red flags:

Sign of a cheating mate:

* Changes in sexual conduct:
--Less desire for sex with you (they are getting it elsewhere)
--Suddenly more adventurous with sex, new positions or unusual requests (learned elsewhere)

Sign of a cheating mate:

* Changes in attitude:
--More attentive, nicer to you than usual, gifts, etc. (guilt; divert suspicion; usually early in an affair)
--Gradually starts finding more faults in you; is more critical; overall change in attitude (justify the cheating in their mind; usually later in the affair)
--Loses interest in the homestead; no longer as attentive to home repairs, lawn, spends less time with the kids (preoccupied)
--Accuses YOU of cheating (to divert suspicion)

Sign of a cheating mate:

* Changes in grooming habits:
--Suddenly starts taking more care with her appearance; new clothes, new cologne, makeup style, new hair style (impress the new lover)
--Frequent bathing, takes a shower as soon as she gets home (destroy the evidence)

Sign of a cheating mate:

* Telltale physical signs:
--Smell of perfume on clothing; long blond hairs when you're a short, curly brunette; lipstick on the collar (classic)
--Strange receipts, unexplained credit card bills, phone numbers, condoms or birth control devices you two don't use (uh-oh)

Sign of a cheating mate:

* Red Flag activity:
--"I gotta work late again"
--Mysterious phone calls, he hangs up phone when you enter the room, whispering on the phone, abrupt "hang-ups" when YOU answer the phone
--Gets angry, defensive, or secretive when you look at his cell phone or computer
--You catch her staring off into space with a smile on her face, a new and unexplained "glow" or excitement about them (infatuated)

Use your common sense with this. He may have a temporarily decreased sex drive due to illness or work stresses. She may change the hairstyle just because she needs a change. That "hang-up" may just be an impatient telemarketer.

Use this list of factors "in context". You will probably find something here that she does on occasion. The key is: Is it new and unexpected behavior? Is it just a one-time occurrence, or are new patterns emerging? Are you finding more than a couple red flags?

If you've run through our check list here, and find no evidence of these strange behaviors, then relax, you're probably safe. Enjoy the relationship. But if your investigation has given you more cause for alarm, it's time to take a more proactive approach to the situation.

WARNING: DO NOT CONFRONT OR ACCUSE YOUR LOVER YET!!!

Sign of a cheating mate...

Okay, you've thought this over, and it looks suspiciously like he or she may really be having an affair. In your anger and hurt, you may be tempted to lash out, confront, and accuse the dirty dog! That's the worst thing you could do at this point, and here's why:

* You have no evidence. If you have no proof, the offending party can deny it all, and may be pretty convincing, to boot. Where does that leave you? With lots of doubts and no answers.

* He has been alerted. If indeed, he is cheating, he will be much more careful now. He will clean up his act, and may even end the affair for now. You may never get to the truth.

* You might be wrong! If you accuse her of infidelity without any proof, and she's really innocent, you can do serious damage to the relationship. The trust will be broken, both ways. And broken trust is almost impossible to restore.

What you need now is proof. Normally, we advocate strict respect for the privacy of your mate. This means no snooping in their personal affairs, emails, pockets, snail mail, or voice messages. If you have no reason to suspect, then back off, and show this basic respect.

But, if things have gotten to the point where you are pretty sure he is having an affair, nothing is to be gained by turning your back on the situation. You'll just be suspicious and miserable. And that is no way to deal with the situation. You must find out the truth, for peace of mind and the future of the relationship. Privacy rules no longer apply! Time to dig deeper...

You are now an amateur detective. Keep strict track of your mate's activities for the next 2 to 3 weeks. Get a calendar book to record everything.

Out On the Prowl:

Record the mileage on his car and compare it to where he says he went. How far is work? Find out. Record the time he leaves for work, and the time he returns. Is he working late? Check his paycheck stubs to see if the OT is in there. You recorded his work hours, remember?

Cell Phone Use:

Most cheaters use a cell phone to keep contact with their lovers. Get the bill, which details all the calls. Is there a strange number that is called frequently? Do a "reverse cell phone number lookup" online on that number. If there's a small fee, pay it. Match up the times called to that number. A good place to start is the first call made when he first leaves for work and the same number called again right before he comes home.

Money:

They have to pay to play. Look for evidence of increased spending; check stubs, bank statements, credit card bills, motel, restaurant and gift receipts.

Snooping:

Now is the time to do a thorough search for clues. Look in her wallet, purse, glove compartment, and briefcase. If you can, look at her emails. Get a hold of her cell phone and check out her contacts list. Nothing is sacred now. Once again, the ONLY time we advocate this is when you are trying to get to the truth, and save your relationship.

Came up empty handed? Still have strong suspicions? Not sure enough to just let it go? Then get professional help. Fork over the bucks to have a private investigator do surveillance on your partner. They are in the yellow pages under "Detective Agencies" or "Private Investigator". You might not like what you discover, but the money spent will be well worth the peace of mind. A quality relationship can not thrive under a cloud of suspicion and mistrust.

We wish you the best of luck with this, and hope things come up smelling roses for you two! But realistically, this is such a pervasive problem that we felt this little "heads up" article may well hit home and be most useful for some of you.

About the Author

Stella Larue is the "gangleader" of a small group of women who have put together an innovative and fun website, Findlove-Keeplove.com. This site provides a plan-- and supplies all the tools, free of charge-- to help you find true love and keep it safe forever! Check it out: [http://www.findlove-keeplove.com ]

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